A Secret, a Castle and Three Songs

"I don't know" This has been my answer to all questions for the better part of the past week. 

My mother came to visit. I saw her for the first time in two years. At the airport she seemed the same as I remembered. At home she acted the same way I remembered. We talked about this and that and she mentioned that she belongs to a new club...the Recovering Breast Cancer Patients Club!

Two years, not a word. Two sessions of chemotherapy, not a word. Two sessions of radiation, not a word. One breast missing, not a word. 

How do I feel? I don't know. I have no words.

She assures me everything now is gone, eliminated, defeated! I don't know...

She said nobody knew, it was best that way for her. I don't know...

She asks me not to be angry, emotional, scared. I don't know...

How do I feel? I don't know...

What do I feel? I don't know...

She wants to forget everything and continue from where she left off,  two years ago. That I know..

So from now on only new experiences. 

Like going to a three-day rock music festival with lots of mosquitoes, music, beer and walking for miles and miles because we lost our way and then lying on the grass and getting covered with ants but loving every minute of it, even the hideously green fluorescent wristband.

Like visiting a castle and climbing the wooden stairs to experience the magnificence of nature and the glory of man.

Like going to Dubrovnik next Thursday...

As for the songs...

They are for me...

Because if there is one thing I know is that I love music...

Just as I love my mum.

Belgrade in May...

... is finally full of music and life. Green trees, blue sky, colourful people. The rivers are still brownish-green but I didn't really mind.

There was still plenty of colour around the cafes and wine bars to compensate for the gloominess of the rivers. Did I say wine bars? Yes there are tens of them scattered around the old city, even in places you would not expect them to, like next to what looked like a mausoleum of a Muslim holy man. These women and their children were praying and tying knots of red and white threads asking the higher power for help of some sort. 

We were on a mission, drink as much wine as possible and go to two concerts in two days! In between we managed to see a little bit more of the city, which was in one of its most flattering versions so far...

The first concert was on Thursday... Pink Martini...Oh how much I like their music, their spirit and their open-mindedness!! But I was a tiny bit disappointed with their Belgrade gig. It was not entirely their fault. The venue was not completely full but I believe they should have given their best anyway and stayed on stage longer than just 1 hour!!! Still we got our fix of beautiful melodies and funk!

We were compensated on Friday, though, with a magical and totally exhilarating show by Nouvelle Vague and Zaz. Unfortunately I was too busy dancing during the Nouvelle Vague gig and I didn't take any videos. To compensate for this here is my favourite one - even though they didn't play it :(

After a "light meal" made out of a mixed grill dish and Tufahija for desert at 2am in a restaurant at the surprisingly packed Skadarlija Street, we returned to our hotel for a few hours of sleep before he headed off to Istria....

Devoted to...oregano

Today I decided to go ahead and grind/rub (call it what you want) some of my small parcels of dried oregano.

 I have tens of these little parcels stacked up in my pantry. They look dead and ugly but the smell...oh the smell is magical. I was warped to our beach house in Fourka Beach in Chalkidiki. I spent all my childhood and teenage summers there. Swimming in the crystal blue sea, smelling pine and oregano.  

There are a couple of ways to do this. The obvious, yet a bit painful, is to rub the dried leaves and branches between your hands. It takes more time and you might end up with a couple of splinters in your fingers. The upside is that you also get Fourka Beach smelling hands!!!

The other way is to use a pestle and a medium sieve and grind those branches to oblivion!

I combined both "technics" using my hands instead of the pestle. 

So now I have Fourka Beach hands plus a...splinter. 

Oh, I wish there was a hand-cream out there smelling like oregano....

By the way...this is Fourka Beach...

...and here is what I was listening to while I was "being transported" there (it sounds so much better that rubbing oregano :)

I am definitely a devotee of oregano and it is neither bitter nor a secret.

Words vs Notes

Most days, words allude me. They run too fast, cannot connect and disappear as quickly as they came. I'm left undone. Heavy with a burden I cannot express. 

Notes stay and nest. I sleep, wake up and they are still there entangled within my thoughts. And if a bundle of them decides to leave another comes to take its place. 

So some days -most days- notes will win over the words and will take their place on this blog...

Boats, Food and a Beautiful Song

 What an amazing adventure I've had!

 More details will come shortly. I promise. Now I have to put everything in order. You see so many things happened in  the past 5 days I need a bit of time to unpack and organise the information.

In the mean time an amazing song that's been on my mind since Thursday morning...

and a small hint...

Return

I've been away for more than expected. 

Shut down due to a whim.

But my need remains strong.

I will return.

Silence is no more.

On Change and Giant Slingshots

There comes a time when things stop being the same. Change comes instantly and you have to adjust whether you like it or not. But it can also be a long, copious journey.

For the lucky ones it is easy, even enjoyable. An evolution into something different and new, good or bad. 

I am not lucky. Change is my enemy. But lately, I've been picturing myself sitting in the pocket of a giant slingshot, almost ready to get catapulted away. I hold back. Fear, resentment, indignation are sitting there with me. I fight with all my strength.

Is this how getting ready to change feels like? 

If yes, then I've better start preparing for the landing!

 

Belgrade in April...

... is shyly allowing spring to creep in and cover the bleakness of the concrete with every shade of green. 

 It was freezing cold when we arrived early this morning. I had to "borrow" a pair of socks, which now has taken its rightful place as the newest addition to my Box of Stolen Socks, from a friend. 

Having sorted the feet heating problem, we set of for a traditional Beogradski breakfast: Hemendex! Mmmm it sounds so exotic, seriously intriguing! I cannot wait. I'm salivating and imagining cuts of smoked pork with vegetables and toasted bread and, and, and what I get is 2 fried eggs sunny side up and a couple of  wafer thin ham slices! 

You see Hemendex is actually Ham-and-Eggs written as it's pronounced! Genious! And it was not half bad either! The chef in charge of the breakfast buffet informed us of the pedigree of his eggs. These are no ordinary eggs. They are organic from free range chickens that roam the back yards of his home village. I'm sold. From now on, Hemendex is my breakfast of choice when in Belgrade.

We did not have a lot of time to roam around the city this time. Our friend/driver had to visit her father at the hospital so she dropped us off at  Ušće  Tower Mall. The Ušće Tower was built in 1964 and served as headquarters of the Central Committee of the Communist League in former Yugoslavia. The original building was 105 meters tall but during the 1999 NATO air strikes the building was hit setting the upper flours on fire. Between 2003 and 2005 it was reconstructed and in 2009, a shopping mall opened at the south side of the tower. For me this building represents the inevitable but still quite ironic change in the character of former communists countries: during the "golden years" of Yugoslavia the lights were left turned on in the building so at night it would spell out "TITO" nowadays the lights stay on to advertise clothing brands!

After we paid our respects to the altar of consumerism (3 new nail polishes for my ever expanding collection), we set off again for the centre and Skadarska Street. The sun had come out, bringing with him hundreds of Sunday church-goers who decided to ignore the cold northerly wind and enjoy their coffee after Mass in this cobblestoned little street. Skadarska is in the centre of the tourist trail. Here you can find a few really good restaurants offering traditional Serbian cuisine. And they are not very expensive either. We had a wonderful meal at Ima Dana. The tall, white haired, regal looking manager of the restaurant Mr. Vezilić informed us that it was one of the oldest restaurants on the street and there was actually a song written about it! 

As for our meal it was a carnivore's paradise! Cevapi, ustipsi, pjeskavica, kajmak, pork chops, turkey with prosciutto yummy and double yummy... and for dessert... tufahija. A baked apple in light syrup stuffed with walnuts and honey! Simply divine, the perfect dessert to finish off a meat lovers feast. 

Sadly we had to leave and head back to Zagreb. Not to worry thought. We will go back soon, at the end of May for a Pink Martini concert! So next time I will tell you how is Belgrade in May...

Until then....

The Soundtrack of My Thoughts

I wake up every morning with songs in my head. My own private radio alarm clock! It makes no difference if I'm happy or depressed, a song is always there to welcome or grunge at the new day. Lately the songs are quite happy and lyrical. Thought, there where times back in September - October when they very dark and somehow annoying. A definite reflection of my inner psyche.

Today I woke up with "Neutron Star Collision" playing full blast between my eardrums. It is undeniably one of my favourites, even though I'm not a fan of the whole vampire saga, haven't read the books and haven't seen the movies, I like Muse very much. For me they are "The Cure" of the noughties. Their music is inspirational and the lyrics are poetic with deeper meanings.

Now I'm ready to turn in for the night and song is still playing - a musical carpet to keep my thoughts warm. I'm curious about tomorrow's playlist. Good night!

Early Bird

Woke up really early this morning with the sun in my eyes and this song in my head

Fed Psipsini 

Did my nails

Had a cup of tea (minus the biscuits)

Now off to the gym.

The Burden of the Early Spring Lilly

They are the first sign that earth is waking up from its winter hibernation yet again. 
They pop out unexpectedly and are quite brisk about it. 
They cannot help it. They are nature's messengers, burdened with the mission to deliver the news. 


Sometimes they are fooled. Humans have messed up this planet so much, the balance is lost. They come out and end up covered in snow. Still, they are sturdy little things. When the snow melts, they are still there, a little bruised, but there. 

This year they fulfilled their mission uninterrupted.
Spring is finally here. The lilies told us so.

"Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk"

About a month ago I stumbled across this website .
Then I read this book. 
And then I decided.

I am going to quit eating sugar! 

That's big. That's huge! That's even bigger and huger than when I quit smoking. At least when you quit smoking you can turn to sugar to help you through the withdrawal period. But this is like substituting one addiction with another isn't it?

I quit smoking - officially - on 16th June 2009, the day before lower back operation No.1 I had my last cigarette outside the entrance of the hospital, and made a promise not to smoke again. I didn't go cold turkey though. First I used nicotine gums and patches, then I read a book a friend bought for me. I was struggling. I can admit it now it was not easy. I had made the decision to quit smoking and loose weight while recovering from said lower back operation. I didn't have just one, I had three watermelons under one armpit and it was only a matter of time before all of them would fall and brake. 

So my back broke, again, along with my stomach (not from the nicotine gum but from the huge amount of painkillers and other pills I was taking) and that's when I actually quit smoking. Mentally that is. The physical act of lighting up never happened again since that day in June, but in some dark corner of my mind the hope that I will again feel the pleasure of this addiction, was silently burning. It was put out quite unceremoniously by the ICU doctor who said that if I smoked again my stomach will be completely ruined. 

I've been nicotine free since September 17th 2009 and even though I catch myself thinking about cigarettes once in a while, the thought does not last for more that 1 second. I just dismiss it and move on.

I want to do the same thing with sugar. I want to look at the cupcakes, frosted cakes, cookies and cheesecakes and see through them, bypass them and expel them altogether from my conscious and unconscious mind.

It is going to be my biggest challenge so far.... and it starts tomorrow!

Work in Progress & Humming Suggestions for the Weekend

This is what I'm working on at the moment. A lighthouse  in the sunset. When finished it will go to a very special new friend as a birthday present. I just hope I will finish it on time. 


As I was working on the painting today I was humming this song....

I love the song and the video clip! I am sure I will be humming it all weekend....


(P.S. I apologise for the poor quality of my photographs so far. I'm in the process of choosing and buying a new camera. Any suggestions would be highly appreciated)

Windmills of your Mind

As I was preparing to write this next post, this song popped into my mind.....

The original version, performed by Noel Harrison, made me feel a bit anxious...The singer melodically recites the lyrics but the quick succession of the words almost suffocated me. Isn't this though, the deeper meaning of the song? To take your breath away by the realisation that it is futile to resist the never ending circle of some things... night becomes day, winter becomes spring, sadness becomes happyness, and the again... night, winter and sadness come back "like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind".  Just be careful that the windmills don't become wind whirls....